Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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