Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
