I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Randomize
