buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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