So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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