My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
