i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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