Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
