if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
