My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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