dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
