Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
