First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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