i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
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Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
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I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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