It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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