please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
