hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
