So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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