I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
