I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
