they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I want her autograph on my taint
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
