Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
