I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
