he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
