I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
