the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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