just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
