Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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