Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
