how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
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I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
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I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower