i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
