i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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