Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
He felt like a one man threesome
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
