Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Randomize
