i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
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I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
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Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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