I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
