Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Randomize
