we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
