VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
