Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
