Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
