Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Randomize
