my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
