Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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