Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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