So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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