Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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