I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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