so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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