woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
