I'm so fucking centered right now
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
