Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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