I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
She even gives head with a lisp.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
