she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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