I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
