Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
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