the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
