I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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