I will die if light touches me.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
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