But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
