she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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