Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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